Roiters:
Government scientists at the oddly, but somehow poetically named Robert "Grand Wizard" Byrd Memorial Institute for the Study of Flashback in Orgasm today discovered, appropriately, an orgasm flashback. Starting with funding and hoping to discover something fun but not useful, the Institute in 1982 started exploring the question: "Why do we have drug flashbacks and flashbacks to bad skiing accidents but not cool flashbacks like from orgasms or really tasty Mexi-melts from Taco Bell?" Spending the first 15 years and 48 billion dollars the Institute finally cast aside the study of Taco Bell and arrived at the orgasm flashback.
"I think we really nailed this one," ejaculated lead researcher Clip "All Hands" Suffield when asked about the newfound heretofore unrecognized transient condition. "It's been out there, I guess, for a long time but we finally proved it in a lab where it counts most to the taxpayers."
Citing a soon-to-be-published brief on the discovery in "Jugs", Director of the Staff at Large William "One-Eye" Shmidt claimed that the money was not a waste and further funding was important because he needed this job. "You can't put a price tag on information like this and you can't just stop because you found what you were looking for. People need to know more about the orgasm flashbacks they are having if they are to put an end to them... or have more, whatever those perverts want."
Other unnamed and disgruntled workers claimed, however, that it was all rather obvious and more than a little nasty considering most of the test subjects were transients and people you wouldn't want to have sex with anyways. Requesting anonymity and a small cash payment, one researcher was recorded as saying, "I'm sure some of those losers made up the sex stories; no guy that drives a Nissan Sentra really screws a model in an airplane bathroom, please."
Details of the actual condition were still sketchy however one scientist claimed in a naughty voice, "If you had one, oh yeah baby, you would know."
Verification of the findings were easy and the condition quite common in the general populace. Security guard Ken Squirt affirmed when asked about the flashbacks, "Sure, I had one today right before I threw out one of those homeless freaks who keep urinating on the lab floor. It hit me pretty fast, but I wanted to dry off with a towel after, so I'm pretty sure it was from my quick pull in the shower this morning and not from that chic I met at the bar last Friday."
Noting that not all flashbacks were of the same caliber secretary Elaine Scone reasoned with, "I started having one and it was alright, but it was from a time I faked it I'm positive because I just wanted it to be over so he could get off and then get off me if you know what I mean." When pressed for details Scone added, "The flashback started good but it just wasn't there, you know, and so I started pounding my hands on my desk and yelled 'yes, yes' until my co-worker said 'I'll have what she's having' and I went back to my work."
Thirty-nine states have signed emergency legislation to prohibit the lewd bio-behavioral memories in public and the FDA issued warnings today on the new street drug designed to stimulate episodes named "CumBack" and another oft misquoted copy, "CumAgain?"
TDQ Staff Writer
No comments:
Post a Comment