January 31st: World News: "Aliens Abduct TDQ Editorial Staff"

AP:

At approximately noon on Friday, January 27th, 2006, the entire staff of "The Daily Quotidian" was abducted by "aliens". Reports are only now coming in, and details are spare, but police have confirmed that "aliens" were indeed responsible for the heretofore unexplained disappearance of the beleaguered and underpaid staff and the halting of all news. Looking haggard and smelling God-awful, the staff of the "Newspaper of Record", a title claimed but not believed and quickly litigated, refused comment on the abduction.

"I won't talk about the aliens that abducted us and kept us from writing any news, I just won't!" said Editor-in-Chief Roark Howard. "Talking about aliens and abductions and how they performed tests on us is just not a subject that should be discussed or debated because it only further delays the production of actual news."

When asked about where the staff had been abducted or when or why, Mr. Howard again refused to comment. "I won't say, but we were eating nachos in a great Mexican restaurant called 'Los Casa del Perro' when they just ran out from the kitchen and grabbed us." Mr. Howard, visibly shaken from the memory at this point waved his hands to show he had finished explanation. "It was awful. They took us to the back and made us listen to that f****** Tejano music with that... that... what is it, an accordion that makes that sound?" No one at the press conference was darker than whole milk and was unable to answer the question.

"Alien" abductions, thought at one time to include actual aliens from another planet or dimension and usually much more interesting and dramatic, have become common of late and are now thought to be sheer fantasy and a new excuse for getting out of work.

"Screw it, ya got me, are ya happy? My modem went down on Friday and I couldn't get on the Internet so I took a four-day weekend." Mr. Howard, unable to explain why a failed Internet connection would keep him from showering all weekend, quickly and thankfully disappeared back to his low-rent duplex and muttered something about getting out more news.