January 31st: Politics: "Bush's State of the Union Address"

Royter’s

Addressing the full Congress and the Supreme Court from the White House lawn, President George Bush today gave yet another State of the Union Address. Professing a belief that the stuffy confines of the U.S. Capitol building, historically the site of such addresses, was causing the Congressmen and Senators to be “uncooperative” and “bitchy” the President requested that the 600-odd listeners roll up their suit pants and squat noble and proud American-Indian style on the well manicured lawn directly in front of the White House. Brushing aside complaints from the 500 or so octogenarians present, the President reminded the old “farts”, as he called them, to remember that in many parts of the undeveloped world, where compassionate conservatism had not yet taken hold, old people were slow roasted and made into tasty canned meat products.

The embattled President, still reeling from rumors, hints of corruption, and suspicious sideways glances, opened his fifteen minute speech with a request for a sing-along. Failing an “around” version of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” with the House members going first, the scandal-plagued Commander-in-Chief settled for a rousing off-key rendition of “Tomorrow” from the musical “Annie”.

“I love that both weak-kneed ostrich-like Republicans and amoral, legally intoxicated Democrats can put aside their partisan differences long enough to show the American people that musical talent is not what we were sent here for but that the theme of the song is about hope, a belief in the future, and the endless untapped potential of the sun to lower our dependence on imported oil.” Bush punctuated his enthusiasm for the theme during the song by repeatedly giving the “thumbs up” to members of the chorus and mouthing the word “ANWAR”.

Settling down, the President outlined his plan for the remainder of his term in office. Citing a need for more robust job creation, a tighter fiscal policy, lower taxes, and greater energy independence, the President called for the creation of 271 new Cabinet-level departments to oversee the under-regulated American economy. When the stunned audience of immediately capitulatory Republicans and drooling, spontaneously masturbating Democrats failed to respond with the canned, stilled applause usually given at such times the President assured them it was a joke. “As if!” the President mocked before reprimanding the audience of assembled legislators for failing to look embarrassed about their recent legislative record. “Come on,” scolded Bush, “Jenna-B. can produce better legislation after an all-night kegger! Woohoo!”

Senator Ted Kennedy (D. Glenfiddich) booed the President at the presumption that the Congress was not as drunk as Jenna Bush.

Finishing off a night of optimism, President Bush asked that the Congress and the country be patient with the War on Terrorism and to humbly pray for all the brave troops still on the ground in Iraq. When greeted with confused looks and an odd attempt by Senator Diane Fienstien (D. Hell) to call upon the forces of evil to smite the God-fearing Commander-in-Chief, Bush sighed impatiently and waved his hand in disgust indicating the unusual Address was over.

Senate Republicans moved immediately to show support for Senate Democrats by denouncing the President while House Republicans called for an investigation into the activities of House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R. Texas, for now).

The official Democrat responses was scheduled immediately after the President’s speech.