February 1st: Politics: Hillary Clinton's State of the Union Rebuttal

Amalgamated Press:

Senator Hillary Clinton (D Anywhere that will elect her) today gave the official Democrat rebuttal to the President's State of the Union Address. Winging in from her filthy nest atop the Capitol Building the erstwhile First Lady and current harpy alighted on a special podium/roost erected on the Capitol steps and addressed a group of nervous, heavily armored reporters. Her long talons wrapped threateningly around the creaking wooden stand, Senator Clinton asked that all questions be held until after the statement.

Tucking her long, greasy wings behind her and exposing her three bare, sagging breasts New York's junior Senator read from a prepared speech.

"My fellow Americans:

President George Bush has poisoned your water and drained your bank accounts. Only today, while you were at work his clandestine operative Vice President 'Dick' Cheney broke into your home and had sexual relations with your pet. These men are dangerous and armed and should not be trusted. No matter that during yesterday's speech President Bush attempted to appear congenial with that heartfelt rendition of 'Tomorrow' from the musical 'Annie'; he is a warmonger. Remember he has heard of Halliburton and still insists as do all despots to be referred to as the 'Commander-in-Chief'. Would a more peaceful man do the same?

I have flown down to the Capitol steps to urge all Americans today to defy this 'selected' President and remember how good you all had it during my first term in the oval office.

Thank you."

Reporters, fearing a diving, swooping attack were reluctant to ask questions of Senator Clinton about her startling transformation from an ersatz human woman to a hideous creature straight out of Greek mythology.

"What are you all looking at?" screamed the half woman, half vulture in consternation. "Can't you see it's the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy that has done this to me?" she asked flapping her vast right wing. "When the callous, vicious Republicans can let a single child go without State-sponsored medical care or let an entire city be flooded by a hurricane, who is the real monster?"

After one unlucky reporter, Jason Blair of the New York Times, pointed at the unclean beast in response to her question, Senator Clinton gave a blood-curdling screech that shattered glass as far as 200 yards away. Winging aloft, she snatched Mr. Blair in her talons and carried him to her lair.

A spokesman for Mrs. Clinton denied the incident and immediately called for an investigation into the activities of House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R. Texas, for now).