Royders:
An area once known for its friendly neighbors, quiet streets, and large, expensive homes, Wisteria Lane has become something of a murderous Gomorrah. Residents, fearful of being clubbed to death or left to die in a stairwell, have abandoned the once pleasant street and left behind the shattered dreams of Suburban Heaven.
“We’re going tonight, when the neighbors are asleep,” whispered one longtime resident Justine Case as she looked side to side nervously. “I don’t want anyone to see us leave or they might think we have something to hide and then those aging Nancy Drews will be on us like a pack of wild dogs.” Justine, not her real name, confided that her fear in the last few months was that her neighbor Susan Myers would break into the Case home to look for evidence of a stolen child or a missing woman, or just to burn the place to the ground. “I can’t tell you how many times that goofy daughter of hers ‘accidentally’ lobbed her Frisbee into our backyard and I caught her looking through the window.”
Many neighbors have voiced similar complaints over what they see as the general decline of the moral stature of the seemingly idyllic community. “Ya got boys making out night and day at the Van De Kamp house… and not just with that skanky Van De Kamp girl either… I’m talking the boys are making out,” bemoaned ancient resident and probable “peeping tom” Erst Wyle. “And that hooker that sells houses around here? I watch that Britt woman every time she washes her car and I watch and I watch and she just gets wetter and wetter and ooohhh…”
But other residents are more sanguine about the moral decline and upset instead about what they see as a crime rate that would make a Colombian drug lord blush. In halting, screeching panic Mrs. Connie Torsion reminded her neighbors, “Naked women doing yoga? Slutty gardeners? Who cares? Last week they pulled a BODY out of the back of a car. Hello? A dead man was parked in front of the Applewhite’s house and everybody was like ‘hmmm, we should find out who did this’. Yeah, how about we get the f*** out of here?!”
Still others are reluctant to relocate simply because of what they see as isolated incidents or merely symptomatic of a general increase in crime nationwide. Mused Mrs. Constance Payshion, “Yes a lady was beaten to death with a blender top. And yes several houses have been broken into and one old woman was bludgeoned with a hockey stick. Sure one house was burned down and yet another old lady was run over in the street. But we don’t have any Mexican gangs shooting out our windows during dinner parties do we?” Responding to Mrs. Payshion’s reassurance that the neighborhood was actually still quite nice, her teenage son Breck agreed, “As long as you’re not an old lady and can avoid the drunk drivers, this place rocks. I mean that one guy was 17 and that hot piece in the Aston Martin banged him for like a year without going to jail right?”
Still one thing all the residents can agree on is the depressed value of their property due to the inability to even give away the homes. “Apparently the only people moving in to buy the empty houses are either here as hit men hired to get revenge for a crack addict’s death or because they have a murderous half-wit son locked in the basement,” proclaimed Neighborhood Watch chairman Art Bell. “Yup, probably couldn’t pay most people to move here now unless they were ex-cons… or maybe one of them Liberals.”
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